I really wanted to write something useful today, but I can’t. It’s just at a point where I’m simply trying to stay out of the hospital. The season hit me fast and hard and early and unexpectedly this year, and I can’t fully say why, and I can’t really explain anything because I don’t understand much of anything myself at the moment. I’m not fully rational…and I realize that…so that makes me debate the validity of that statement. There’s a lot of inner confusion and chaos and I’m doing well to just make it to work, which I sometimes do and I sometimes don’t.
I feel like my sharp edges are cutting into me, and the best I can do is try to keep them from hurting anyone else. In lieu of a proper blog post I would like to offer 2 poems, both of which accurately describe the mindspace I’m in right now.
There is no acknowledging the Fear.
Or else it’ll swallow you whole without bothering to chew
and you’ll crouch for a moist, hot eternity
in its steamy stomach…
Waiting for Courage to weld you a scalpel of words
to slice back into daylight and spend a long, cold time
scrubbing away the shame.
There is no escaping the silent torture
of a scream
shackled within the mind.
There are only the dagger-thoughts,
with no words to dull the blades
and no tears to wash the wounds.
If you have prayers, good thoughts, etc, please send some my way. Find more poetry by me here. Cheers. ~J8