Things I Don’t Say

I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in such a long time.  I’m in the peak of the busy season at my job, and that – plus my own personal cyclical chaos – has made it impossible to find the time or the wherewithal.  Now that my own seasonal issues are receding a bit, I have a tiny minute to think…and write.  So here is this.

A very simple thing:  I run into someone I used to know.  A counselor, actually.  I knew her years ago, before she’d gone back to school and earned her master’s degree (which she now has, along with a higher-ranking position in the same field as she’d had back then).  I knew her approximately a year before I was diagnosed with D.I.D.  She’s a “mom” type: beautiful, nurturing, friendly, insightful.  In other words, the type I always, always fall for.

Back then, I didn’t understand what was happening.  And to be fair, neither did anyone else involved. If you think post-D.I.D.-diagnosis relationships are complex, imagine (or remember, if relevant) pre-diagnosis relationships, where neither you nor anyone else on the outside has the faintest idea what’s going on, even though you and they often mistakenly think you do.

I simply knew that the relationships I really cared about were excruciating, because they all tended to follow the same pattern.  They all went like this: I would suddenly and inexplicably attach to someone at some deep level I couldn’t comprehend, usually over the fact that they probed far enough past my walls to find a lot of brokenness they felt the need (or the compulsion) to try to fix; this would progress to feeling the need to be in constant contact of some kind with this person, and then inevitably the other person would feel overwhelmed at their inability to handle or even tolerate my darkness, and sooner rather than later they would back out of and cut off the relationship, sending me spiraling into a tailspin of self-hatred and despair.  The self-hatred and despair were both linked to the fact that I not only kept driving people away over and over and over, but also that I had no idea why, and therefore could not change.

What was really going on was that at least a few of my littles were earnestly looking for a mom, and trying desperately to find an attachment figure.  Unfortunately, without some kind of knowledge of what was going on, my actions were misinterpreted by the object of their desire, and coupled with the severity of the littles’ needs, it drove them away.  Then the littles were condemned and punished and put back in isolation.

Luckily – or maybe miraculously – I don’t do this anymore…or at least nowadays, I’m aware of my feelings, I’m aware of the source, and I have ways of heading off this kind of relationship dynamic.

At any rate, seeing this person from my past generated an entire sublevel of conversation that breaks my heart.  I’m generally an honest person.  I like heart-level interactions, and not being able to have them – especially with someone I really care(d) about – is gutting, for me.

Person I Loved: Hi!  How are you?

Me: Doing great!

(What I don’t say:  I miss you so much.)

Person I Loved:  That’s awesome, it’s so good to see you again.

Me: You too!  How’s the family?

(What I Don’t Say: You broke my little people’s hearts.)

Person I Loved: They are all well.

Me: That’s great to hear.

(What I don’t say:  I wish I could tell you what was really happening back then, and now.)

Person I Loved: Well, take care of yourself!

Me: I will, you do the same.

(What I don’t say:  I wish I could explain why I acted that way, so you wouldn’t keep holding me at arm’s length, so you wouldn’t keep thinking I’m just damnably toxic to be friends with.

What I don’t say: You said you were never going to walk out on me.

What I don’t say:  I forgive you.

What I don’t say:  I wish you thought I was worth keeping.

What I don’t say:  I wish you’d give me a chance to show you I’m worth knowing.

What I don’t say: I will never forget you.  My little people will always remember.

What I don’t say: I still love you.)


 

This quite possibly made more sense in my head…oh well.  Can’t be good at everything.  Cheers. ~J8


8 thoughts on “Things I Don’t Say”

  • 1
    ccchanel41 on November 7, 2014 Reply

    I thought this was so touching, I cried. So many times I have wanted to have similar conversations, knowing others would not understand. I understood it. My thoughts are with you. Much love. -CC

    • 2
      talktoj8 on November 9, 2014 Reply

      Thanks for reading, my friend. Sending good thoughts back to you. <3 ~J8

  • 3
    sarahkreece on November 10, 2014 Reply

    Really well written! Really beautiful and sad. I hope you find a new way of meeting the needs of the younger ones. x

    • 4
      talktoj8 on November 10, 2014 Reply

      Thanks Sarah. Love to you and Bria.

  • 5
    ridicuryder on December 1, 2014 Reply

    Jeight,

    I’m not sure if this would work for you, but whenever I’m getting close to someone I (as non-chalantly as possible) ease them into my attachment disorder. Your DID might be a lot for someone to absorb early on, but knowing tou have somewhat weird / wilder impulse for attachments might mean your bond develops more organically.

    I’ve come to accept it in myself more as I’m able to roll it around with people. Whenever someone freaks, I trust that it is for the best. I would rather have a few good friends than several fair weather aquaintences (fair weather being somewhat relative for us).

    There is plenty I don’t say to people as well…those who I count as colleagues and everyday friends. Over time some of these bonds cross the threshold into deeper / more open friendships, but I always feel like that initial spark of recognition was missed out on.

    Mark

    • 6
      talktoj8 on December 1, 2014 Reply

      RR, I haven’t found a way to successfully “ease” anyone into my DID. I have tried a variety of tactics and so far the least painful/confusing/whatever for everyone involved is to just be bluntly open about it at the get-go. Which doesn’t mean they need the details but at least they can decide if they want to know more, or decline. If I’m going to pursue a close relationship with anyone in any capacity, it’s been better to just throw all the cards on the table at the beginning. 🙂 This conclusion is the product of a very long period of trial and error. But whatever works for others, works. There is no “right” way to go about it, of course…

      • 7
        ridicuryder on December 1, 2014 Reply

        I was suggesting introducing your attachment issues without completely rolling out your DID. After a period of adjustment and interest you can elaborate and they will already have some foundation of unusual and some time around you to work from.

        • 8
          talktoj8 on December 1, 2014

          Thanks, but what I’m currently doing seems best in my situation. 😉

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