I realize that talking about triggers might be…um…triggering, but in that vein, I made up something pretty ridiculous in order to tone it down. And once again, I am trying to work some things out, mentally, so I’m mostly writing to see if I can come to a better conclusion than I had come to earlier this morning, that had been torturing me needlessly. Somehow writing untangles thoughts, feelings, and conclusions that are all snarled and knotted in the recesses of my brain, and makes them all smooth and straight and pretty. 😀
Here we go…
Situation A: Person A, that you love and trust (whether deserved or not), hands you an orange. You are deathly allergic to oranges, but don’t know it (they may or may not know it), so you eat it and end up in the hospital, having nearly died from your allergic reaction to it. Person A may or may not know. Person A may or may not say they’re sorry. Person A may or may not stay in your life, for that reason, or possibly other reasons that have nothing to do with that. You are unable to process the pain of having received the orange, plus all the complicating factors of the orange, Person A, and the effect they had on you. You recover to the best of your ability and continue to live your life the best you can, albeit with a deep and abiding fear of oranges, and a questionable view of people in general.
Situation B: it’s years later. Person B, who you also love and trust with whatever capacity you have left, who has nothing to do with Person A in Situation A, comes along and hands you a pineapple. Because of your own personal filters (read: woundedness), you believe it to be an orange. Other people on the perimeter can easily differentiate that it is a pineapple, not an orange. You cannot. Your world is suddenly and inexplicably turned upside down. Everything you have ever known about Person B, yourself, and the world in general, is called into question. To the casual onlooker you appear a little crazy, with your pineapple that you see as an orange. You do not feel crazy. You feel 100% sure that you know exactly what is going on here, and everyone else is delusional.
The problem is, it’s a pineapple.
The problem is, you haven’t processed the ordeal with the orange, so now you’re bringing the orange feelings into the pineapple situation.
The problem is, you don’t know this.
The problem is, nobody else knows this, either (hence the viewpoint that you are acting a little crazy).
The problem is, until you know this, you will continue to have orange feelings in pineapple situations, until you process the orange feelings and stop carrying them forward. Once that happens, you will be able to see that pineapples are not oranges, and Person B is not Person A.
Guys, it may not be much, but today I realized that in my current situation, I have a pineapple. The feelings are all still there. But I have truly realized…possibly for the first time while all the feelings are present and active: it’s a pineapple.
As dumb as this whole analogy is, it feels like progress.
Now I have to go deal with the feelings, but I think…fingers crossed…this might be okay. Cheers. ~J8