You guys, I’m having trouble writing anything of value right now. I’m sorry. I have a lot of ideas but my thoughts are too jumbled lately, and have been for awhile. My stress level is through the roof on most days. I always feel like I’m a few small thoughts away from a panic attack or a total breakdown. I’m in survival mode. I think some of it is the medication, and some of it is what I’m dealing with in the healing process.
I ended my relationship with my family approximately 6 weeks ago. They continue to attempt to call, email, and send me things via postal mail, none of which have elicited a response from me, as I had made abundantly clear beforehand. I started reading Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward, not long after I sent them my final communication, and it’s been good, but ultimately a book can neither rush, nor finalize, the emotional processing that comes with such an event. I feel like my life is much more peaceful in a lot of ways, and I feel much more emotionally safe. But at the same time, it feels like a loss. There’s emptiness, where I used to have a family, even if only in name. The overall effect of their presence in my life was awful in a lot of ways, but no one person or group of people is entirely bad all the time. Humans are mixtures of goodness and selfishness, light and darkness, pure motives and tainted ones, some of which we ourselves are not even entirely aware. They hurt me in a lot of ways, but there were also moments of connection that benefited both sides in some way. There’s guilt, that I gave up on them, even though it has never really been up to me to change them anyway, even though it was an impossible task from the very beginning. The truth is that the decision I made 6 weeks ago, which was based entirely upon my prioritization of my own health, is the closest thing I’ll ever do to facilitate change in their lives. But they still have to choose how to respond to it. It’s still not up to me what they do now. There’s a sense of failure, that I could not be what they wanted, and that I could not fix them. I wasn’t enough. Or I was the wrong thing. There’s fear, that my financial safety net will break. There’s anger, that 6 weeks later they are still not honoring my words to them when I let them know I did not want contact with them.
In other news, the person that I esteem so highly, that I spoke of in this post, starts chemo today. Things are still up and down with him. He’ll do well for a day or two and then have a setback, and emotionally it can be draining to not know what will happen next. I can only imagine how he, his family, and his loved ones feel. About a month ago I was able to get a new tattoo in his honor, with the words “Nothing loved is ever lost” and he was able to see it. I hope to be able to continue saying “in his honor” rather than “in his memory,” for a long time to come. It’s just impossible to know at this point, though.
And finally, some of you may have heard via Facebook that I was in the hospital a few weeks ago. I have a couple of (mostly benign) heart conditions, but due to some uncontrolled infections from some recent dental work, there was some concern based on my symptoms that it might have been spreading to my heart. At this point I have been cleared, but the hospital experience was highly traumatic for some of my inside people. Basically they screwed up the TEE procedure they needed to do in order to look at my heart more directly. I was supposed to be moderately sedated, wherein I would be “very sleepy but able to follow commands, but not remember any of it later.” Guys, I was fully awake and aware when they did the thing. They didn’t sedate me in time, or enough, or something. I slept afterward, when it was over. But I was fully conscious and lucid when they were doing the procedure. It was extremely scary and physically painful and upset quite a few of my people quite a lot.
I’m still releasing a book, hopefully in about a week, which has its own kind of stressors as I try to finalize everything. I’ve never done this before, and don’t know how to do things like marketing. (I’m a horrible salesperson.) I’ve sent a few emails to a few of the big trauma sites. Gotten mostly kind responses, and I haven’t been able to put much more thought or time into it than that. I have too many other plates spinning to care, until it’s actually available for sale.
So that’s where I’ve been. I probably need my doctor to mess with my meds some more, and I probably need more therapeutic attention than I currently have access to. I’ll write when I can. If you have suggestions for things you want me to write about, send them my way. I can’t make any promises but I do read my messages. I was due to write a guest post/ book review for Toxic Parents for another fellow trauma blogger a long time ago and for some reason I just can’t seem to gather my thoughts. Maybe one day soon. Please send me good vibes, prayers, or whatever, and hopefully I’ll find my footing again soon. Cheers. ~J8