You Are Not One of Them

You Are Not One of Them

 

***TW**** briefly mentions s*icide, ab*se

 

I wanted to write something helpful this week, but I’m actually the one who needs help, and I didn’t see it coming. And isn’t that always the damn truth.  Just when things seem like they’re really getting better, the other shoe drops. And somewhere on the inside, someone says, I knew it. This freedom thing isn’t real. It’s an illusion. It’s the carrot they dangle to keep you alive, but it doesn’t really exist.

It started when some things happened that I cannot share – with anyone, not just on a blog – and in the process, the processing, I felt abandoned and alone and then I hurt someone’s feelings that I care about, as I was trying to make sense of the mess that is still my life sometimes.

It was an accident. I’m sorry.

And here is how I wish things could go right now.

I wish I knew for sure that making a mistake, even hurting people’s feelings sometimes, does not make me “like” my abusers even though some convoluted logic in my head tells me that it does.

It’s probably even the abusers who are responsible for this; it’s probably their words, their voice in my head. Saying “See? You’re no better than us. You’re just like us. You hurt people because that’s just who you are, and therefore, you are one of us. You can’t ever escape it because it’s just who you are and you will always be one of us.”

I wish I wasn’t sitting here at my desk, wishing against every failed hope I’ve ever had that someone – even, if I dared to imagine, the person I hurt – would come along and say to me: YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM.  They are evil. They want to hurt.  You are good. You do not want to hurt. It was an accident. Accidents happen. You’re still a good person. You are not a perpetrator.

But I don’t even know if I’d believe them. If I could believe someone else, why can’t I just believe myself?

And see, the person is OKAY. They’re FINE. I said I was sorry, which for them wasn’t even necessary because they were already okay even before that, without it. They love me, they understand, yada yada, and there’s no way in hell they would want me to be sitting here beating myself up and kind of even wishing I was dead, like I currently am. They wouldn’t want me to have the memory, and the pain in it, of this incident for as long as I know I’m going to have it. I know that for sure.

I even understand the ridiculousness of it, from a kind of vicarious viewpoint: I’m suicidal because I hurt someone’s feelings?  Really? **gawk**

But it’s true.

It’s true that I don’t want to be found in the category of perpetrator.

It’s true that I don’t want, or mean, to hurt people. Even if things come out hurtfully sometimes, my motive is not to hurt. I don’t seek to smack people around, especially people I care about. Even when I’m angry, that doesn’t appeal to me. I’ve been on the receiving end too much for me to feel like dishing it out is justifiable. But I’m also human.

I wish I could deeply know, right here, right now, that I’m human – and that that’s okay.

Why can’t I be human? Why is that not okay?

I have extensive mercy for others. I have not, as of yet, managed to turn that on myself to any great degree.

I think I am uncomfortable with saying “I am not like them,” because we ALL have the POTENTIAL to do great evil, just like we all have the potential to do great good.  I cannot deny that I have potential to do damage – even on accident, nevermind on purpose. It all comes down to our choices and our hearts.  I’m not sure I could say that I am “better” than someone else who abuses just because I don’t abuse. I might not abuse, but I still do wrong things. Sometimes on purpose, and sometimes not. How do we decide which things are more wrong than others? Or can we even do that?  I don’t know that I can. But the idea that I have damaged someone in some way is hard for me to move past. It’s hard for me to forgive myself for, even if the other person forgives me.

I do know that the wrong that I do is not usually on purpose.  And…hopefully…it’s not worth killing myself over. Although I struggle to keep that in mind on days like today (DISCLAIMER: I’LL BE FINE. I HAVE TOO MANY DAMN THINGS TO DO TO GIVE UP NOW.)

If I can’t tell myself, maybe, at least, I can tell you.

YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM.  Maybe we can learn this together, or if you already know it deeply in your soul, maybe you can teach me. I am not strong all the time. ~J8


11 thoughts on “You Are Not One of Them”

  • 1
    Jean on November 3, 2015 Reply

    You sound just like me. It takes a lot of hard work to see the difference between making a mistake, which 100% of the human race does, and doing the things they do. Even a mistake that harms somebody, however minimally, however briefly.

    I’ve figured out it’s a flashback, the voices in my head saying I am just like them, one of them, are a slightly distorted memory of somebody saying, “See? You are one of us now.” Only the pronouns changed.

    Sadly, even tho I know it is a flashback, it takes days and days to climb out of it. So you don’t think I am evil, and I don’t think you are evil.

    • 2
      talktoj8 on November 5, 2015 Reply

      Thank you, Jean. I can easily see that you are not evil and others are not evil. It’s harder to see when it’s myself.

      • 3
        Jean on November 5, 2015 Reply

        I feel the same way. But it has gotten a great deal better in the last 25 years!!!

  • 4
    1chrisj on November 4, 2015 Reply

    Your just like me and the rest of the human race! Lately I’ve been falling on my face in prayer when the enemy tries to hit my weak spots.. Reading more scripture too. I’m finally accepting and believing that God loves me no matter what.. It just took close to 40 years to recognize. Embrace the love of Jesus Christ as much as you can. surrrender it all to God🙏🏼 you are in my prayers God bless you Jade!

  • 6
    kelly6644 on November 4, 2015 Reply

    What you feel comes from your heart. Mistakes happen, ya know…
    What they did came from an ugly place in them. They have no heart. You are nothing like them. Let your heart help heal you. Forgive you.
    It’s just this one thing 😉
    It gets easier. Namaste

  • 8
    Anonymous on November 13, 2015 Reply

    Jade, you are definitely not one of them. You have such an amazing, loving heart & I have never met or talked to you. Your compassionate heart comes through your writings. I am praying for whoever is being tormented by that lie will be set free from that pain. You sure have ministered to me through the love that comes through your book & blogs.

    I don’t have thoughts of harming myself, but I go through a lot of guilt if I think I have hurt someone’s feelings. My closest friends through the years have gradually stopped having as much or no contact with me. I don’t know if it is a combination of me saying things that have hurt them or the more healing I get the more uncomfortable they are with me. That would be a good subject for a blog if you have experienced that also.

    Faye

    • 9
      Jade on November 13, 2015 Reply

      Thank you Faye. Yes, I will write that down on my blog topic list. I have several things brewing but not enough time right now to get them down. <3

  • 10
    Anonymous on November 13, 2015 Reply

    I don’t know how to change the anonymous to my Facebook picture. I am very techno challenged.

    Faye

    • 11
      Jade on November 13, 2015 Reply

      I am not sure either, without seeing what you see on your screen. I believe you have to be logged in to WordPress to comment, and you’d have to upload a picture to your WordPress account. If that’s not it, I’m not sure how to fix it…

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