Post-Op Update

Post-Op Update

Hey everyone,

I think this is the longest I’ve ever gone without writing a post. I’ve missed the interaction, but just not had the bandwidth for it.

So here’s the deal. I had surgery a little over 2 weeks ago to remove a couple of uterine tumors. Now the thing is that I was already moderately anemic, going in. But the doctors did not realize what type of tumors these were from the ultrasounds. They had no reason to think it wouldn’t be straightforward and blood loss would be minimal, the whole thing would be outpatient and I’d be home again that same night. So that’s what they said, and that’s the impression I got. I was under the assumption that this was like, no big deal.

And the survivor mindset tends to be a little distorted anyway, as I’ve mentioned elsewhere. We can sometimes tend to think that as long as the abuse isn’t re-occurring, everything else is (by comparison) essentially no big deal.

Turns out, it kind of was.

I went into surgery expecting it to be at least no worse than having all 4 wisdom teeth removed at the same time – which I did last year, and my face never even swelled. I barely took any pain meds. If they hadn’t numbed my entire face, I honestly could have returned to work immediately after. So I figured this would be similar, and once it was over, I could call it much ado about nothing.

Um, no.

The surgery itself was complex. Rather than removing an encapsulated mass, which is pretty simple, they were digging out a tumor that had dug tendrils and roots invasively into the organ. Laparoscopically. The blood loss was more than anticipated. The surgery took longer than expected. I came out much sorer and sicker than I was prepared for. In fact, I had to stay 2 nights and get 2 blood transfusions just to get back to the level of “moderately anemic” rather than “dangerously anemic.” I’ve been on 2 antibiotics, 2 painkillers, iron supplements, and a few other OTC recommendations to try to get my body back into a decent normal-life mode. For someone who can’t reliably track time, doing things like taking medication on a schedule can be an interesting endeavor. I have tried tactics throughout the years to both keep myself on track with what I need to take and prevent accidental overdose, but it’s always touch and go.

So that’s why I haven’t been around. Even besides the surgery itself, and the hospital stay, when I got home, I thought I’d be able to give myself a couple days and then bounce right back into normal life.

Turns out, THAT doesn’t work that way, either.

It has taken this experience to show me just how much I physically push myself, how much I ignore my body (by accident…I don’t recognize distress signals until I have halfway killed myself), and how much I fear being seen as lazy, irresponsible, self-indulgent, or weak if I simply do the necessary thing and REST.

I have also seen in this experience – yet again – the deep and abiding application of attachment theory that holds true over time. I have been emotionally healed of so much – yet my attachment style that I developed as an infant (insecure/disorganized), the one that I default to under stress, remains unchanged. I can work my way out of it, but the default beliefs are still in there…ingrained. Those templates are not easy to change. I don’t believe they’re impossible to change, but they’re not easy. My hesitancy to ask for help, my inability to recognize when I even need help (or anything else), my fear of being scorned or attacked for any perceived weakness…these all scream “insecure/disorganized” attachment style. They scream the truth that my internal working model STILL believes my self to be unworthy of being cared for, and others as unwilling (or unable) to meet my needs if I ask. It’s amazing. This stands the test of time.

Anyway. That was a rabbit trail. Back to the topic. I’m not working right now; my job ended and I’m pursuing upcoming opportunities. There’s no reason I “can’t” rest. It seems like I’ve had a shit ton of errands to do, though, ever since I quit working. So a couple days after I was discharged from the hospital, I hit the ground running…and immediately began struggling – with low energy, inability to breathe adequately (symptom of anemia), and physical pain that doesn’t always go away with medication. Re-sensitization is a bitch…one that I was totally unprepared for. Now that I actually FEEL pain more than I ever have before, I don’t like it. I didn’t ask for it. I wasn’t looking to join the mortals yet…I was hoping I’d just be able to stay immortal forever and this kind of stuff would continue to bounce off. But, it hasn’t turned out that way.

As if all this wasn’t enough, I also had a tooth that’s been infected for 2 years pulled 3 days after I got home from the hospital – bad, bad timing – AND I’m moving in a few weeks AND someone I love recently died AND I’m supposed to be looking for a new job AND I decided to change vehicles AND for some reason now seemed like the perfect time to get my head shots done for my new website…which necessitated hair and wardrobe decisions and all of that jazz.

If there’s someone out there who can teach me how to slow the hell down before I kill myself, I might need you to come join my team.

Anyhow…that’s what’s been going on. I have had pain and infection and weakness and loss and upheaval. There have also been atrocities in the world, people around me have been in need, I have felt useless and wordless and helpless…maybe more so than usual. I do have things I want to write and I hope to get back to it very soon.

By the way, there were no malignancies detected in the pathology report. So I’m thankful for that. The diagnoses for now are endometriosis and adenomyosis – which are not cheery things, but they’re also not cancer, so I choose to be grateful. I will discuss the next steps in a few weeks at my next follow up appointment. In the meantime, the anemia is what I need to focus on healing. It takes my energy, my ability to breathe, my functionality. It’s at the point where I have to severely adjust my lifestyle to accommodate it.

That’s the update for now. Head shots and my new website – geared more toward services I can offer (for writing and speaking) should be coming soon. I have lots of ideas to pursue, just a bit short on the energy to do it, these days. But stay tuned.

Cheers. ~J8


8 thoughts on “Post-Op Update”

  • 1
    ridicuryder on June 15, 2016 Reply

    Jade,

    Yeah, you are too bulletproof for your own good…and at the same time stronger than you think you are. You already know you need to slow down, but you won’t. What you can do is execute a little cleaner…rally your team to be a bit less disorganized…this will pace you a bit better.

    Pause now and again…not for “self-care” more to savor where you are…operating differently…savor and be grateful for the small consistencies developing and the different feel to your results. Imprint what you are doing with a little more intention…when you sense more natural bonding or imprinting with what you’re doing…this will guide you to prioritize those things. Gabor Mate discusses this in When The Body Says No – disease being a message to be more authentic and purposeful…slowing you down so you can become better acquainted with yourself. You are on the doorstep to a new way of structuring yourself…congratulations.

    I really liked that you asked for help…keep doing that… it’s part of executing well. 🙂

    Love,
    Mark

    • 2
      Jade on June 17, 2016 Reply

      Thanks Mark! Will have to look for that book. 🙂

  • 3
    ahealingsoul on June 15, 2016 Reply

    Hi Jade, thank you for sharing your most recent experiences with us. What a wonderful way to reach out and say, “I’m worth it.”

    I am so sorry for the loss of the person you love.

    You’ve got a lot of changes going on right now, that’s for sure! My friends who follow energy in the world tell me that right now is a time where things are being compressed, so that what needs to come up will come up (like a boil, unfortunately) – but for the purpose of being able to release it. So it’s not unusual right now for old, seemingly intransigent non-productive patterns to be brought to the forefront. Doesn’t necessarily make it easier when it’s happening! But I find that, for me, this wisdom helps me not to turn around and blame myself for a) having those things in the first place or b) doing something that brings them up or c) not clearing them earlier. They are coming up now because now is the time to clear them.

    I honor all that you are doing and send many good wishes for you to easily move through it, in whatever way is just right for you.

    Susan

    • 4
      Jade on June 17, 2016 Reply

      Thank you Susan! <3

  • 5
    Jazz Abbottlane on June 16, 2016 Reply

    Hey there, don’t know if it will help you, but when I go overusing/misusing this ol’ bod I remember the others that have to use it too, then readjust. I can bounce things off others too, that I trust to let me know when I’m over doing it.
    As far as anemia, we are on oxygen (again) but was off for several days after an iron infusion. Maybe ask your doc about it?

    Jazz

    • 6
      Jade on June 17, 2016 Reply

      Hi Jazz! These days oxygen might be something to look into…I’ve never been as hard up for air as I have been lately. I’ll have to mention it to the doc and see. Thanks for the suggestion. I didn’t know it was potentially an option.

  • 7
    Debbie on July 18, 2016 Reply

    Hi Jade, I stumbled across your website a few weeks ago and we have many similar experiences. I am 60 years old and just realized I have been living in survival mode all my life. When stress hits I immediately respond with the only skills I know. Much of them has been about busyness. I have always been physically healthy (not so much mentally😉 ) so it was very east to push myself over the edge without going over the edge too mant times. I had no regard for myself as a worthy person or even a person. Now that I have gotten older I am havinh physical ailments. These have forced myself to stop and rest which has been a blessing in disguise because quietness and rest is healing and it is where God meats me. He is teaching me that my life is in His hands and I don’t need to try so hard to survive. Three weeks I injured myself quite severally. I have sought medical care and have run into a brick wall with doctors and insurance companies. I hate hospitals because of extra stress. So now I am in bed barely able to move. I am mostly alone and I am scared. Everytime I try to push through, I re-injure myself. I guess I feel completely helpless and that’s a terrible feeling. I guess I feel like a defenseless little little girl again or the little girl inside of me is coming out. She is back once again living in a very dangerous world. Getting strong and tough, putting armour on, busyness and every other survival skill I now realize won’t help me now. There is nothing left to do except believe and trust that God IS for me, that He is good,that when everything else fails, He is more than enough. Stuff I’ve always heard is true but could never believe because it’s impossible to trust when no one has been trustworthy growing up and it is impossible to believe anyone is good much less God. But as I lay in my bed, I can feel His ever gentle arms around me. I feel His love as He meets me where I am, always respecting my fears. I believe He is holding up with His strong arms of love.

    • 8
      Jade on July 20, 2016 Reply

      So sorry to hear that you’ve been in pain and had to re-experience so many of those feelings. I’m glad God is meeting you there though. I pray you continue to rest and heal and that the Healer would bring you into full recovery. <3

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